Am I your passion, your promise your end...I say I am.

Take the quiz: "Which beautiful Sorceress are you?"

Lust Sorceress
You depict the Lust Sorceress! Controlling and gaining attention from men is your main magic. Fantasy is your sanctuary and pleasure is your guide.

You Are Gwen Stefani! All guys dream about you And all the girls want to be you "Sappy pathetic little me That was the girl I used to be" Who's Your Inner Rock Chick? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998



Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts,
The impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me ...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

~ Shel Silverstein

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

Click here to post this on your own page or weblog

Ashley went to have a meeting with her counclor today, and it just made her feel worse. And at lunch in the library she said that I don't know what it feels like to love some one and not be able to have them. It pissed me off so much, and I thought of what you said, I'm just like I can't take this, it's like she doesn't even hear me sometimes. She told me last week when I was crying about being overwhelmed about helping, that my letters were really helping her feel better, and today she told me that no matter how much she reads them they don't do help at all! It's like what the fuck. So I went back to the cafeteria, and stormed out and Amanda came out there to see what was up, and I started balling my eyes out. I really wanted to talk to Ms Casper but didnt want to bother her, so I was going to go to talk to Ms Smith ASHLEY's councler but when I got to the office...KRIS was fuckin sittin in there waiting to talk to Ms Smith because he's been talking to her about it too. He saw me, with tears in my eyes and saw me run away through the window, he looked right fuckin at me and i got full of rage and left to the bathroom, amanda followed me and then told me she was going to get Ms. Douglas my councler, who is a real bitch. But i talked to her, she didnt help at all, told me everything I already fuckin knew. I was so pissed! I dont WANT to be mad at Ashley, but i am now. SO MUCH the fact that i told her i did it all on my own, i told her things no one else knew that i did because of tonya, and how i did it alone and yet she fuckin tells me i dont know how it fuckin feels! i actually, not to sound like a bitch, i think i went through much worse i was still WITH tonya when she was WITH some one ELSE at least ashley hasnt seem them together KISSING or had it thrown in her fucking face by all his friends!! or had him call her a bitch!!! Or call her a dead past that will never be, and try and encourage her to kill herself, I don't fucking think so!!!

This is what Ashley M., my other Ashley lol, said about the whole thing:

AshleyRocksON86: sherrie you can't help but be mad at her! first of all, you may have been a tiny bit pissed this whole time that you've been having to go through all this fuckin bullshit too...i believe more so than ashley herself. i don't blame you one damn bit!!
AshleyRocksON86: and you DO know how it feels and how much it hurts
AshleyRocksON86: maybe she doesn't know you as much as you thought she did if shes gonna go and say something like that

That made me feel better at least let me know that I'm not a fucking lunatic for being upset. I mean, I told her things I never told anyone about my fucking situation, and things I did because I was so depressed and what happened to me because of it. I'm just fucking frusterated. I swear. I don't know what the fuck to do now. I don't want to be mad, but I don't want to talk to her either. I don't know what tomorrow's going to be like -.-

Well we finally put the tree up today, I swear I don't remember ever waiting this long to get that tree up lol but we did! Today was ok I guess. But only Ashley's counselor told Ashley to break ALL communication with Kris and that kind of upsets Ashley, but I think she knows it's probably best. AND She has to tell her mom about what's going on or Ms. Smith (her Counselor) will call and tell her mom for her. Which, is not that good :/ But yeah. I talked Ashley's courage up on the way home on the bus, I think everything will go fine. I told her how to go about it gently and listen to some good music when she was waiting for her mom to get home, and to maybe play it low while she was talking to her mom for when it gets quiet she can listen for inspiration, she liked that idea :) Ok but one thing I have to do: I promise to stop dwelling and to start getting into the spirit of things and getting on the ball with the holidays. The New Year is coming up and I usually get all excited cuz it's a fresh start. I started this year off with Cry and that was bad. So I'm trying to think of what to do. I think what I will do, like New Year's eve/Night (early new year's day) I will reminise over the GOOD memories for once, look at old cards and GOOD letters, throw away bad fight letters and stuff. Orgunize my songs and poems and stuff. I don't think I will go to bed New year's eve, so I can like live the whole day of the new year. It's so symbolic for me, for most people it's the goals, but for me, it's a new year for memories, and "tests" and new things to experience. Every year has a mood. 2005 is a big year for me, Graduating, turning 18, going on a trip by my self, getting a car, getting a job, moving out, having a "talk" with my parents I have been preparing for about a year now, going to college, and finally getting shit done. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm...ANXIOUS! LOL! I don't want to start the year cuz of all the stuff, but then again I want to get it started and OVER WITH! lol

I can honestly say not much of anything went on yesturday. Cept, I went to Brandy's to do some aerobics to her tape it was pretty fun! I think I got a new friend to hang with now! At least she's better than the other Brandi. I think we have a replacement! LOL! But today, was alright. I was really tired though, lol I still am. I had coffee, but don't tell Ashley! ssssshhhh I just need some energy so I can study for my History test tomorrow that I must pass! Cool thing about today is, turns out that some sewer pipes by the locker rooms are being worked on, so we can't dress out for P.E. for the rest of the semester, so no more P.E. cept I was actually looking forward to P.E. today so that it would wake me up! lol But now I have a Study Hall so that always helps. But about other stuff, I feel better. Kind of reminising about stuff, but yeah, I'm ok. Really, that's it!

Well I had a pretty groovy weekend. Saturday Amanda and I spent all day (9am to like 4pm!) shopping! Running around places here and there. I even got some stuff for my mask for art! I'm so excited about that mask now. Amanda and I had a good talk. Although, she told me that I've hurt her feelings many times, but she held her tongue. Also that, I tell her to tell me the truth all the time, but when she does tell me the truth, I get mad and yell. I really don't think I yell, but Ashley brought it to my attention one time (about my coffee drinking so I stopped. cuz it made me cranky). So maybe, I have yelled at Amanda before. Lately, besides the Amanda thing, I realized I do have a bit of an attitude. But sometimes I get it more to Amanda than anyone else. I feel a bit of a tension around her sometimes, and that makes me get hard on her sometimes. But why? In the letter I wrote her, I told her she didn't know me anymore, and she doesn't, that hurt her. I also found out that she's starting to feel like we're drifting because Ashley and I are close now. We hang out alot, and I hardly see Amanda. I do admit, I feel like Ashley is closer to me than Amanda is, because I feel like Amanda judges me more. I can't tell her things without Amanda giving me that look. The same look she gave me when she saw my hair. That's why I got so upset! (Just realized) It had nothing to do with her saying it was orange. It was the look she gave me. *realization* lol I think I've finally shown Amanda that speaking her mind especially to me, is a good thing. I gave her 15 minutes to talk. I didn't interupt her like I usually do, and I just listened. She got through her first sentence, "It really upset me that you said I don't know you anymore." And stopped before she thought I would yell. I said, "Amanda, I won't interupt you, I'm just listening so go ahead. It's fine." I was calm and everything. I kept thinking how I'm changing myself, and trying to get better, and now I have to work at our friendship, and get that relationship back. I need to tell her somethings I've realized, and things I went through. I've been taking so many stands, and doing things I never thought I could do, saying things I never thought I could stay, and stuck to my faith longer than I ever have before. Amanda may be my biggest accomplishment, If I tell her certain things. Things she needs to know. I don't have any worries, because being honest, lately, has given some great changes to my life and the lives around me, and if I'm honest with Amanda, things will become great again.

Also, Saturday, Amanda took me to go apply for some jobs, we ran out of time, so I only did two. The first one I did was at Arbies, Kat, Sharita, AND Mindy work there! AND they're hiring. AND I turned my application in. AND they'll all put in a good word for me. So I think I have a HUGE shot at getting it. Which makes me scared and excited at the same time. I need a job, but I'm scared. But that's ANOTHER thing I need to do to work on myself, and doing things I know I should. Getting a job.

I'm starting pilates again! I did my video today and I feel so freakin good! I'm gonna start doing all those other spiritual things I used to do. I'm going to start meditating again, and doing the things I used to. I'm beginning to feel whole, but I still have some urge to do the bad things I used to. But I'm not. It's hard. I slipped once like a week and a half ago. I do admit. But I can't let that TOTALLY hold me back. I'm learning to make mistakes, and move on as well. xD I feel very changed.

Anyone who reads this and prays, or does anything like that, please do it for me, my friendships and wishing me luck on getting that job! Thank you!

Well, Ashley and I made a pact not to talk about the whole Kris related situation, but after today. Cuz it kept coming up and we both had questions, but after today we're not going to talk about it for a while. We did a pretty good job at it. Now, I think Amanda and I are having some troubles. All because I was really sensitive yesturday and she told me my hair looked orange (I just dyed it red and I do that as a transition in life, and I was already stressed and sensitive from everything else, and you just don't tell some one their hair is orange! It added on to it!) Anyway, I had to explain that to her. She said I was taking my anger out on her and she's sick of it. Yes, I did a few times what? In jr high and freshman fucking year?! I haven't done that to her in a long time because I can handle my anger better, and yesturday sure fucking proved that! If I was taking my anger out on her, I would have been more harsh than to tell her she hurt my feelings, nearly at tears! I was nearly crying yesturday when I told her that hurt me a little. It sounds babyish, ok, boo fucking HOO! We kind of have things cleared up, but she says when we go shopping tomorrow, she has some things she wants to say to me about me taking things out on her. Which by the way, she told me her and Chris (One of our friends) had a bit of a fight and she already had a friend mad at her, and then I had to go get mad at her. I was NOT mad at her, I wasn't even acting mad, just upset. It sounds to me like she's taking HER shit out on ME and trying to make it look the other way around. Or she doesn't realize it. Amanda has a problem with telling me the truth about what she things. She hates my hair like this and just can't say it, so she looks at it funny and tells me it's fucking orange. It's not even orange! With Amanda, I have a hard time being honest with her about what I think because she judges easily and doesn't understand me, but I tell her anyway! Oh well, we'll work things out.

Well, last night I got Ashley a card, basically a hang in there card, a little friendship quote book, and I made her ANOTHER disk. lol It was more of a fighting disk, rather than inspirational, the mood is a bit tougher than the others. But after thinking about it alot (With some help of my other Ms. Ashley ;) ) It kind of hit me how I'm being strong for everyone and it's getting really hard. I can't believe I fucking told Cry I would try to get her to move in here. What the fuck? I'm so scared of fighting I guess. Cuz honestly, I wanted to yell in her face. I balled my eyes out last night crying to one of the disks I made for Ashley (I always make a copy for myself!) I cried so fucking hard. I realized also, Kris is hurting me really badly too, I thought I could trust him! I'm more angry than anything and just really want to give him a piece of my mind. So this morning, already on the edge, before classes in the cafeteria where we always meet there's Jessica right there next to me. (She is like my worst enemy started some serious trouble Soph. and Jr. years. I almost kicked her ass.) Ashley comes into the cafeteria, I give her, the card, cd, and little book. Then Jessica says something like "I feel really low." to Ashley. I could see her looking at me when she said it though too. She kept saying it! Like a fucking lunatic. It was a little thing, but a little thing that pushed me over the edge. I got my stuff together and left the cafeteria, not knowing anyone was following me. I get right into the hallway that goes to the art room and there's Ashley's voice behind me, "Sherrie. What's wrong?" In a way, a little knot of anger got formed in my stomach. I start off with the basic stuff about Jessica and then I just like let it all out like a leak. How I didn't want to say anything about how all of it is tearing me apart too, because I don't want to make her feel worse, and about how the song thing made me feel underappreciated and stuff. Then basically, it seemed like something hit her, she was Ashley again, the Ashley from last year that was in the bathroom with me when I had my break down and when I barely knew her. She told me, now that she sees what Kris is doing to not just her, but her best friend, it puts things into perspective. She wrote him a letter confessing some things she did, and kind of what happened this morning. She went to the library for lunch, but I was so fucking hungry so I stayed and got my usual sub. Then I turn my head and there's Kris getting ready to go to the pizza line, I get up, walk about 6 steps and then go sit back down shaking. Know I knew why Ashley ran away in the library the other day. When I was barely even in his presence, my rage was built up so much all I could do was sit. I couldn't eat. I get my stuff together throw away my trash and head out of the cafeteria and there's Ashley coming back. I tell her he's there. I couldn't make big sentences, it was more like, "He's here. He's there. In here." She says, "Where?" I say, "Line. The line for the pizza. Rage. So much rage. I want to yell. But I can't." She, just takes her letter, goes up to him and gives it to him. She wasn't scared at all! That strength I gave her I couldn't believe. She told me, she wasn't afraid, and it showed. I'm so angry at him, I can't be around him. Like the way I am at Jessica. Ashley understands now, and that means alot. I feel a hell of a lot better. In art though, first hour, I was so upset and crying so much I didn't get anything out for 55 minutes, and had my head on the desk the whole time because I didn't want anyone to see my face. At the end of the hour Ms. Casper told me if I needed to I could talk to her. I'm feeling some what better, ok a lot better, but not 100% ok. I've lost so many friends, and losing trust for so many people...it's just I don't know, hitting me I guess. I'm ok. I'll be ok. But I'm so full of rage. >.

This soap opra keeps taking turns. Well, like how I know that the thing she didn't want to talk about that Happened in Ms. Smith's office was that Kris was there.Well this morning I wrote Ashley a letter, telling her I'm sick of things being hidden, stuff like that. That if she wants to keep things to herself, that's fine, but don't tell me part of it, and not all. That bothers me and makes me wonder. I'll end up figuring it out for myself anyway, I'm smarter than that. I told her, in that letter, that I had a hunch as to what happened in the office that she didn't want to tell me. She read this in PE, sitting next to me waiting for roll call, she got nervous and asked what my hunch was. I told her that it was that Kris was called to her office to talk. She kind of got nervous and said please don't tell anyone I wasn't supposed to say anything and she was mad at herself. So today we got a free day in PE and got to walk. And we talked. She didn't want to, but it had to be done (thank god for me upfrontedness :P) So I told her she shouldnt be mad at herself cuz I just know who was there, I don't what happened, and it was pretty apparent anyway, and I told her not to worry. Also, that disk I made her, she loved "Dear Friend" But I put a song on there that upset her, by Stacie Orrico "Stuck" ("I love you I hate you I can't stop thinking about you"-Lyrics from the song that so expressed her feelings about kris) she said when that song came on she got furious and started hitting her pillow. i apologized, cuz i just like put a bunch of stacie orrico songs on it, and wasnt thinking of the lyrics. she said "dear friend" made up for it THANK GOODNESS

ONWARD! Basically, at lunch Cry was alone at her lunch table, her head was down, and I could hear her crying. Derek was just ignoring her! He was mad because she was crying! So, being the humble person I am, dammit, lol, I went over to see what was wrong and to see if I could help any. I tried to get her to stand up so we could go talk outside, but when I got her to stand up she gave me this huge hug. She like totally didn't have herself together. So we went out of the Cafeteria and it was hard for her to talk even there, she was crying so badly. Her mom got into a fight with her the night before about her not respecting herself and about how Malcom is bad for her. She loves Malcom very much and doesn't want to lose him. He doesn't want to deal with her crazy family, her brother started a fist fight with him TWICE. She's 18 and can leave, but has no where to go. She had things packed and was gonna leave last night! Her car is broken though. But she didn't leave. Her mom is creating a living hell for her. So, I really don't want to see ANYONE I know living on the streets, or see her come to school with bruises because of her mom or brother. So I'm going to talk to my mom tonight about her staying here. : I told her I would pray for her, she's athiest but I even told her, if she doesn't believe it's ok and that I'm not converting her or anything, she just needs support. I even think that comforted her! But she kept hugging me and like crying on my shoulder, it was so wierd. But yes, I'm serious. I don't think my mom will say yes, because we barely make it as it is. We barely have money to buy enough toilet paper for three people in the middle of the month! Or shampoo. But Cry has a job, I think she'd help. I can split my room in half in the basement for her to put her stuff. I really don't think my parents will be ok with it, but I should still try, you never know.

OMG I just woke up from a two hour nap! I like fell asleep around 4 I guess and like my dad just woke me up and it's like 6. :O I never do that! I dreamt so much, It doesn't seem like I could have dreamt all of that in like two hours. It was crazy. I dreamt like 4 days of me getting up going to school and going to bed. In one dream, Ms. Casper had told us about this little boy that died. At one moment when I was losing my mind, I turned and say a ghost little boy sitting on the stool. Then I looked at David and Blue fire came out of his mouth. Then I'm not sure. But I remember snipets from each day I dreamt. And all these spiders. These different colored spiders, orange and blue in different parts of my dreams on different days of my dreams. It was, like I was going mad. At, one point I thought it was actually happening. I didn't know I was asleep. I remember in one of the dreams I was on my way to Art and there was this black girl crying vigorously. I was thinking, "I hope she'll be ok." I wanted to go comfort her, but I didn't know her. It was wierd. Then when my dad woke me up, I was like, dude I was sleeping?!

Besides my crazy nap, today went some what ok. I asked Ashley at lunch if she was ok, she shook her head to say no. I asked what was it. And she told me that she promised her counselor she wouldn't tell anybody what happened in her office yesturday. I wasn't going to force it out of her, but when some one says something like that, it makes you wonder! lol But then after the cafeteria we always go to the library, (well yesturday I didn't because I wanted to talk to Amanda and fill her in, I was losing my mind.) So on our way to the library Ashley kept looking over her shoulder, she was looking for Kris. I said, "Stop looking for him." Jokingly of course. She says, "Ok." and as we turn the corner she does it again. It was kind of funny though. Then we go into the library sign in and everything then when I signed in and went to sit down, Ashley had totally disappeared. I asked Katie what happened to her, and she told me to look up, like look over at the table in front of ours. There Kris was, sitting...with a girl who was like rubbing his arm and stuff. Ashley ran off to the other side of the library and I went over to her. I think I talked her up a bit, and she said she had to stop hiding so we went to sit down. We switched spots so she couldn't look up to look at him. Then he layed his head down. Kind of hiding I guess. The librarian kind of got on him because he didn't have anything to work on, and then him and that girl left. I swear to fucking God if Ashley wouldn't have told me not to, I would have given him a peice of my mind. I have unfinished business with him, and it's not all about Ashley. It's what he TRIED to do to me to. The fucking coward. He was hiding in the library. Because he wasn't in the cafeteria today or YESTURDAY cuz he was fucking hiding.

So Amanda came into the library after that, and I wanted to talk to her about all of this. I just was losing my mind with anger. I told her about how Ashley didn't want to talk about what happened in the office. Amanda said, "So that's why he came in late third hour, like halfway through. That's why he looked upset!" My heart dropped. Also, this morning Ashley told me his new girlfriend is in college apparently. I asked her what gave her that idea she said, "I just don't know. I can not tell you how. But I just know. Put two and two together." (The two and two together part, is that Felecia, the girl who pretty much started this whole situation, is in COLLEGE. But that's a little bit of extreme thinking.) So I knew what happened after that, and I knew what she didn't want to talk about, and I knew that that's how she knows about Kris's new girlfriend. I understand she's not supposed to say anything. It's gonna be hard to keep to MY self. Maybe some where later down the line I will tell her I figured it out, but I don't think it's a good idea for the week. Ugh, I'm more angry than anything!

I made Ashley a wonderful disk, with awesome songs! I loved it myself, even made myself a copy. I had a bunch of people around the net pray for her. Like a bunch of different chats, like 20 people each. xD That's about 80 people or more praying for her! I printed out some of the comments and gave it to her to show her that people care. It really touched her.

**I emailed this TV show I watch on the Christian network. They do prayer requests. It’s the Teen show and Al Denson hosts it. He’s my favorite Youth Pastor. He always, gets to me you know? Ok, well yesterday I was wondering about that, because it was about a week ago I sent it in. I was thinking, oh I’m never going to get a response back, at least not a personalized one. Then I checked my mail today, and oh my gosh I nearly cried!

Sherrie-
Thank you for sharing the story of your friend and for asking for prayers. We will keep her in our prayers, that God will begin to heal her broken heart and let her see that He has someone so very special for her, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. We'll also pray for you, that God will put exactly the right words on your heart at the very time your friend needs to hear them.

Blessings,
Shannon

=D that like made my week! No my whole month of December!

I had to get this whole Kris has a girlfriend, Ashley doesn't know "thing" OVER with! Well 2nd hour we started talking about Kris, and his whole "secret" She had talked to Kris on the phone over the weekend and he kept dodging talking about the letter she wrote him. So she hung up on him and told him to finish what he was doing. So, I asked her, if she wanted to hear the rest of what was up, from me or from him. (second hour today) She's like "go ahead and just tell me he's allways busy, I'll never get to talk to him anyways. I would rather hear it from him, but he's never around." So I said, "First off, what do you think I meant when I said he had moved on." She's like "He's dating some one else?" But in a cocky kind of way, like that CANT be it. I looked down and then looked and her and I like shook my head. She got really upset, ran down the corner passed the gym and into the hallway where no one was and threw her pen, her card and her glasses on the ground and started balling. She said she wished she had a knife to cut herself. I told her she didnt and he's not good enough to be mutilating herself for. So a PE teacher saw us and asked what was up. And I said she's having boy problems. Ashley told me already she DID NOT want to go to the counslor and have her call Kris down to her office. So she didnt want to do that, so I was trying to get the pe teacher to go away. But she called her counslor anyway to come get her. So the PE teacher told me to stay with Ashley till she got there and I told Ashley I was sorry. Apparently, her counslor Ms. Smith knows Ashley real well, a friend of the family, and she knows about some of the Kris stuff too. So Ashley, kind of thought it wouldn't be that bad to talk to her. As any friend would be, I was worried when I was working out in the weight room that hour, and then through 3rd hour. It didn't help that Kris's picture is on the bulletin board next to the other senior pictures, we're in the same class just different hours. So after third hour, I allways catch her by her locker. I was looking for her hoping she'd be there, and she was. Not crying anymore, but very serious looking. I told her she'd be ok. She's really mad at kris, doesn't want to look at him or be around him ever again. But then at lunch she's like, we might get back together some where down the line, but he needs to get his mind straight. I told her not to get her hopes up again, because he's a coward and a jack ass. Her counslor told her to keep busy, and not to sit on her butt. Like do more things and stuff. Which was what I was going to tell her anyway. But she's going to get more hours at work, dance more, work with her latin dance team more, spend more time on school work...I told her not to go over board because then it can end up being too much at once. I told her that if this were to go on one more day, then that would make me the bad guy in this whole mess. I told her I felt like a bad friend because of all this. She was crying and I thought maybe she'd take it out on me, cuz when she was crying (2nd hour) she wasnt saying anything. But she's mad at Kris more than anything. She's kind of mad at herself too for being foolish. But HE turned her into the fool by lying to her and hiding from her. I told her that. But that makes her feel worse though, because he was this amazing guy that could NOT have possibly had anything evil about him o.O (sarcasm noted. sarcasm appreciated) At lunch I brought it up one last time (Kris by the way, was no where to be seen) and told her, now that all of this is approaching an end, I feel things getting alot better. It's not all dark anymore. It seems a lot better, even though it's not good. But being in the dark is worse than not knowing anything. I told her that is was going to get a hell of alot better after this. She just looked at me for a second. And ACTUALLY SAID: "It will take a lot of time. I just have to keep myself busy." (But that was also when she said they might get back together some where down the line. I think it just depends. But after she gets over him, I dont think he will be so high and mighty to her anymore) She promised me she wouldn't cut herself anymore. I asked her to promise me, that if IT DOES happen again, that she tells me, and that I won't be mad. As long as she doesn't keep it to herself, because it can create real problems. I also came up with a quote for her, and wrote it in her quote book. She really liked it and it made her feel better. "Don't cut yourself for thinking you're foolish. You're only foolish until you do it. If you do it once, and never do it again you're not foolish. If you do it twice, well then you are." She hugged me after she read it. It made her feel alot better about that part. I need to find better wording for it lol I like it too, but it can sound a little more intelligent. I also got that mask thing done today in art :X I had to lay on a table, and this other girl (btw a guy was going to do it until she switched thank god!) had to like put this gauze stuff on my face. (first i had to put that vaseline stuff all over my vace o.O) it was so freakin wierd not being able to move my face, i kept getting so uncomfortable. but it was wierd having that stuff on my mouth :X

I definetely know I'm not at square one, feeling sorry for myself and everything. I'm just out of sorts and deep in thought. Didn't get much done today, and didn't get to hang out with Ashley. Big plans for Monday though. I'm looking forward to Monday and dreading it at the same time. It's really quite confusing. My brain is pounding with thoughts. I think I have a better brain than I give myself credit for. I really use it more than I thought. I feel myself losing some passion for my diet, but I think that's just because of Thanksgiving and cabin fever. I'm just a little confused because it was brought to my attention that I'm so focused on helping my friends, that I kind of stopped helping myself. I didn't realize it, but I think it's true. I get so confused about everything. Ok, I am confused about everything. All over again. Except the career thing and school. That's all for sure. I'm not really sure what to put in here today. So I'll just leave it at that for now.

I really don't know how I am or was today. Or yesturday since it's after midnight. I'm just all wierd feeling. And a little pissed off. I'm just confused.

Well, this morning I wasn't feeling very well, so I convinced my parents to let me stay home. I mean, it's not like much would have gotten done today anyway, with Thanksgiving tomorrow. Although, I gotta do that mask thing in art next week instead. I kinda wish I could have gotten that done -.- But I slept pretty much all day, I got up 2ish. I'm so glad things are getting better. I'm thinking about when I move out, I might change my name completely. Kind of to symbolize me living for me, and being a part of myself. I've thought about it before, but that was when I hated my name. But I think I might actually do it, because of the symbolism thing. So I'm going to start thinking about it. Also, I finally started on my Autobiography. In August, I'm supposed to be going to CT to visit my other friend Ashley, and was thinking I should teach in NY or CT some where up there. But we'll see. But I know I have to go to school here though. Ok well that's it for now :P

Well I have been praying all weekend for Ashley, and had people on different websites pray for her, I wrote her a letter, and put all my faith in her. Today she came to me and told me "I think I'll be ok." That's all she needs to say, and that's what I told her friday. She's not mad at me at all. Even knowing what she knows, I see a much better improvement in her today, she was so much more real. I talked to Ms. Casper for a good half hour today in art when she was helping me, she didn't read the letter and I told her not to lol But I kind of said the same things that were in the letter, just in a better way. I told her how I felt about the Ashley thing, and Ms Casper is Christian too, and I told her my own struggles with my faith and trying to have faith in her and keep my self going the right way and focused. Ms. Casper was so touched. She said that just the fact that I'm trying and that I care, and that I've held on for so long, it means alot, she said it made her day and helped her to hear some one much younger than her speak from a wiser (older) point of view.

Which made me feel better about keep going on. If you don't believe in yourself, even if God is backing you up, then you will get no where. I feel so much more whole now. After stressing myself this weekend to keep faith, and faith did so much for Ashley, it just changes my whole outlook. It really did. Just believing in her, made a difference. That disk I made her, the lyrics touched her, that made a difference. I made a difference, all because she made a difference in my life, and my path to God, before i even began helping her, and before she even had problems. That's true friendship :o)

That was my monday (most taken from an email I sent to a friend so I didn't have to retype :P)

Today was pretty good too. Nothing exciting though, but good :)

Well, yesturday I didn't make an entry cuz too much was going on. I did go to school yesturday and I had writen a note to Kris the night before. I saw him at the beginning of lunch and gave it to him. (Update: Kris and Ashley went out. Ashley's not over Kris. Wants to know how he feels.) He's my friend too and I was just wondering how he was doing and stuff. So at the lunch table Ashley kept talking about how badly she wanted to go and give him a hug but couldn't. Amanda, not thinking it was that serious, went over to Kris and asked him to come to our table when he could and give Ashley a hug. Ashley was a little mad, but laughed it off. Then Kris came to the table, and just stood there. Amelia, our friend came and attacked him and ran away, and he went after her to attack her back. Ashley, was so mad about that and felt even more like shit. Then, I started to lose my mind cuz I'm always the positive one. I'm the wall and it's just starting to be a little too much. But I have to keep having faith. And I am. I pull Amanda aside and pretty much tell her what's been going on, how I wrote Kris the letter, and how I'm trying to help get to the bottom of everything. Then the end of the hour was coming up and I wanted to see if he read it. So I pull him away from his friends and start talking to him. He starts talking to me, as soon as he said he had a girlfriend, my heart dropped. All I could think, is Ashley would die if she knew. He told me not to say anything about it. But if she asks me, I told him I would tell her, he said that's fine. He needs to talk to her. He doesn't want drama, bull shit. You can't run away from what is there. Even if he doesn't want her back, and he's moved on, he needs to let her know what's going on cuz she's living in a fairy tale. I'm scared for her. So then, that night Ashley and I went to "A Raisin In the Sun.", a play at our school that Kris is in. It was pretty good. Then afterwards we started talking about Kris. I'm like we need to talk. I don't tell he has a girlfriend, but I say that he moved on. She had a fit, started crying even more, hitting the windows in the car. I was freaking out and I started to cry even more and I asked her if she was mad at me. She shook her head no. She's just so upset. I kept telling her she would be ok and that she will get through it. I asked her if she even knew that, and she doesn't. If she can't even say she'll be ok, then you know what I mean? She really believes they're meant to be and everything. It's so hard for her. I've been through it. I know she can make it. If I can, she can. I just keep praying for her. If anyone reads this entry, please pray for Ashley. Thanks.

So after I get home last night, my dad is yelling out of no where. Calling me a fag and bringing up the past, I'm like what the fuck? I'm so sick, at my high points in my faith and in myself, he has to try and bring me down like this. I'm sick of it. I have got to get out of here. "All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you." I don't have my father's opinions, I let go of the past unlike him, and I'm nothing like him. I let people think what they want. It's not just me, or because I'm living in his house or anything. Anyone who thinks any different than him, is wrong. Like he's the only right fucker out there. He's a little hypocrite and I'm so fucking sick of it! I'm so much more than that. Alright I admit, I did call myself bi, ok ya girls are pretty, wtf but I really don't want to fuck them. I'm pretty straight at this point of my life, why bring up that shit?!

Too much cussing, I'm done.

So I stayed home from school today. I like fell asleep on the couch and my dad said I could stay home since he could tell I was really tired. So I slept till like 2 lol. That meeting with Ms. Casper yesturday wasn't as fullfilling as I thought it would be. I walked away frusterated cuz she kind of abandoned me. I think she thought we were done talking. She gave me a good outline of what I need to do for financial aid for college and stuff. But I wasn't done! I had more questions. But other than that, everything's ok I guess. I've been doing good with my workouts and stuff. Today I'm gonna slack :x COOKIES! YES!

Ok so today was interesting. I actually got dressed up, and matched and everything :o It was funny. But, as soon as I get to the cafeteria and get to talking to Amanda. Kris walks in all gloomy and dazed and pissed looking. He's looking for Ashley, I could tell. The bus hadn't dropped her off yet, so I pulled him aside and asked him what was up. He gave me a letter and told me to give it to her. I said I would, and again asked what was wrong and if he wanted to talk about it. He just shook his head and walked away. So I walked back to him, and asked if he was sure, cuz he knows I know what's going on. He told me how she gave "the necklace" (a necklace he gave her. that was a symbol of their relationshi for ashley that she gave to me to keep until she got over it. then asked for it back a couple weeks ago which i didn't want to do, cuz i knew she didn't get passed it, but she wanted it, so i gave it back. and she started wearing it again, and went downhill, after her break down yesturday, and my "famous speeches" she decided it would be best to give it back to him) According to him she gave it back saying "You need to have this back." He keeps saying that it's JUST A NECKLACE. And he is very upset. She came in the cafeteria as he walks away and he mutters to me that I shouldn't say anything. I give her the letter and asked how her night was. She says not too good, she felt crappy last night. Told me about giving him the necklace, I told her he told me. Said nothing more. And I gave her the letter. So in P.E second hour, she told me about it, how he doesn't need drama, she's becoming some one else and that mess. She said it was a three page letter front and back, it did feel thick now that I think about it. She seems like she knows what she has to do. I think yesturday at lunch, when she started to cry, and couldn't eat her food, I said the right thing finally that clicked in her head. "You don't need a man to validate who you are. You need to find a way to make yourself golden with out him. You are golden, you just don't think you are without him, which means you're kind of not right now. You said he didn't care about you at all and didn't give a shit. If he didn't give a shit, he wouldn't have noticed how you changed even without being around you all this time. I know you don't want to get over it cuz you feel like that means you'll never be together again. But getting over it will mean, you are ready to be together again and ready to be you again. You changed yourself in many ways for him and you know it." Well that's basically what I said. After I said that, she took off the necklace and said "I have to give this back to him." Which led to today. But something won't leave my head, what he said this morning. He said it quickly and low but with determination and I can't get over it. "She keeps talking about all this love stuff. You don't get that from a couple of months. Yes there were a couple days where we felt like we were in love. But she's taking this too far." He seemed so pissed. I didn't know what to say. And that's when Ashley walked in to the cafeteria and he walked away. It's like...geeze. I wanted to go talk to him at lunch. Cuz I'm worried about him, he has so much going on with little theatre, his grades, he wants to get a job, DDR, his VIDEO GAMES -.- that seems to be a part of his "important things to do that keeps him from talking to Ashley when he says he's too busy" (Video Game playing consists of about 20 people at his house on weekends. I've been there on some of these days. He's one of my good friends to, and I want to talk to him about what he thinks and how he feels. Depending on if Ashley knows about it and asks, or whether or not it seems mandatory for her to know, like for her own good, I could very WELL keep it to myself. One problem, if she asks, I will tell her and tell her the truth. That's what friends do. I've always was the same way towards Kris. If he asks, I tell him. If he should know, I tell him. But yeah. If there was something I could do, just to help her just...climb up that mountain and get passed it, I would do it. But I'm being the best friend I can be...and that's all that works right now. Other than that. Let's see, my art project due date got moved up a day, so it's due Thursday now! YES! I'm so excited about meeting with Ms. Casper after school tomorrow. Hehe. I feel realy good about myself right now, and I think it's rubbing off on other people, I'm sure Ms. D can tell too cuz of how we talk before class. Amanda is really noticing it too, I had to write her a note to let her know what's been going on. Ok welp toodles poodles out there!